Emotional Burnout

It's such a strange sensation to feel

Trapped again in this vicious cycle

As if I am twenty-one yet again

 The passion so fiery it melts so easy

Nevertheless, it was never of pain as it scorches

However, the after burn is excruciating

Along with the chaos of repercussion after that

Like how second or third-degree burns linger

Wondering when you will fully recover and stopping the cinder

As you douse yourself under cold running water of reality

Trying to estimate the damage and pre-empt the maintenance needed

You start to ponder on your pre-existing conditions

And how it would hinder your recovery, post trauma

 

And oh, what would people say

What would people think

About that evident dysregulated scar

Nakedly fresh and raw

Yet still oblivious to people who knew

Feigning it like a fictional illusion

Abandoned like a destitute being on the streetside

 

As you peer into your lifeless frame

Bargaining about how you got yourself into this flame

And that impulse of embracing the warmth of that initial spark

Blinded by its potential to leave a daunting mark

As misty eyes led to a shower of sorrow

The saltiness made the wound so hollow

Bellowing all the remaining reservoir, already so shallow

They stayed still and watched like a sparrow

Drifting to a different space and shadow

Along with unresolved rancour harboured in their marrow

For you, there is marginal room and space to mellow

Returning to the heart of the reality's gallows

Telling yourself to be that decent fellow

by Kaiwyn

16/11/2021

Life Matters

Coming to terms and acceptance...

It appears that it has never been an immediate occurence for me,

Not sure if I know anyone that just takes it all in upon acknowledging such information.

Things that I have chosen to let go...

Things that I have chosen to hoard...

Like an osmosis through an ever so permeable barrier.

Treasures that I perceived that you may have offered to me...

Treasures that I perceived that you may have physically looted from me...

Emotionally it kinda stays,

Either it was a fair game of give and take or not,

Sunken into a form of subconscious solvent,

Enriching the depth of my layered experiences.

I have always been trying to live in the now.

I have always been trying to envision the future.

I have always found myself in the strip of old memory lane,

Asking for a reason and rationalising every conscious decision I made and or about to make

The question that appears to always have a vague answer of self-soothe elements,

Which would not solidify the final verdict of an ended matter.

Denial? You would say that.

But before you imply any judgement on these thought processes,

Understand this,

Solutions does not always instantly warrant concrete resolute,

Resolutions does not always immediately guarantees liquidified matters or conflicts,

It all gradual and there are multiple environmental factors to achieve certain states,

Just like in physics and chemistry,

If you want to look at it in a more black and white way,

But I always enjoy a little poetic and philosophical approach in life,

I guess you would get the idea by now,

Halt!

Yeah, just as I thought.

Kevin Tang

7th May 2019

One night in Gosford, whilst on a night shift

An absolute favourite from Michelle Branch's latest album in 2017- Fault Line

Covered by Kaiwyn Tang, my singer persona

Fault Line Cover

Breathe in, Breathe out

These days have got me thinking about tremendous amount of matters

Feels that everytime you accomplished a task,

There always seems to have a lack of accomplishment.

Thinking if there is something else I'm missing,

which I can't pinpoint what.

I'm sure everyone has this feelings before

Wonder if anyone has found the solution for this

Somehow, I am not thrown off by these at all,

I tend to let it marinate for awhile prior to slashing the matter off my worry list

Not fearful of consequences of procrastinating

Wonder if this is a protective or destructive trait for a person

But definitely not as bad as compulsive traits

I think I might have set my perfectionism free

As for now,

doesn't matter if things are going on plan or not,

whether things I want becomes the way I wish for it to be,

or whether series of events leading to a desirable outcome or not,

I just breathe,

take it all in,

and live with it,

no point driving my anxiety over something I can't control,

especially in developing a romantic relationship,

Don't fret,

Someone may turn up,

Even if they don't,

I got more things to juggle with now,

on verge of completely transitioning into adulthood,

having to pay for mortgage soon,

multiple responsibilities,

Come what may...

有爱没爱我都不会慌

One of my favourite Mandarin songs covered by myself

有爱没爱我都不会慌

By Kaiwyn Tang

Night shift letter

19th April 2018

Empty Handed

Coming to the end of 2017
A few more hours before the usual annual celebration
But still listening to the early teenage era music
Ironically the melody was nostalgic but also brings the spirit down
Literally as it sang "You just bring me down..."
Looking into the current scenery, it appears that not much has changed
Except for my grown out physique,
And the feeling of kinda burning out but not fully,
Initial plans of wanting to recuperate was denied,
But does not feel like its the end of the world...

The multiple people and personalities met so far,
Either new or changed circumstances,
Felt the static of own while others evolved into different stages,
Or maybe because all along,
Reflection upon self was insufficient,
I guess it's hard to see self with own eyes...
What you thought could be empty handed,
In another person perspective, could be a treasure hidden just underneath solid ground
Just awaiting for the right person to put that vision into your field
And prosper, and to share the fruit of what you may initially thought was...
Empty handed

26/12/17
Kevin Tang

Out of Hands

From the day when you can control things,
the very first word you spoke,
the very first item you manipulated,
the very first conscious deep sleep you took,
the very first arithmetic question you solved,
the very first friend you befriended,
you feel that you are in control,
and it will be in such way forever.

But from the day when you have to control things,
every word that you spoke,
every item that you manipulated,
every rest that you took,
every arithmetic question that you solved,
every friend that you befriended,
you hope that you are in control,
and it will not be out of your hands.

As aging process takes place,
Realisation of that there are things that can't be in control,
But still,
People work really hard to be organised,
and to remain on the "throne" of their own kingdom.
But if the motivation is from trying to keep everything in its respective spot,
Why do things become so messy on its own?
Even without your own manipulation or effort,
Things can still get out of hands and change.

So what do you perceived as being in control?
You won't know for sure if that,
the words that you have spoken is the way you want people to understand,
the items that you have manipulated is the way you want it to end up like,
the rest that you have taken is the actual amount of deep sleep you envisioned,
the arithmetic questions that you have came up with an answer to be accurate,
the friends you have taken time befriending to be your exclusive friends for life.
Being in control doesn't mean that you have to acquire what you have exactly aimed it to be like,
It's actually not being thrown off even if in the end,
what you have wanted,
did not go the way you wanted it to be.

K.Tang
21/09/2014

The sun

I'm the core,
I'm the centre of everything,
hence I control everything,
I control the amount of beams that I release,
I manage the amount of energy that I burn,
I allow the amount of planets circling around me.

I'm the core,
I'm the centre of everything,
but I don't control everything,
Other planets filter the amount of beams that they acquire,
Other planets manage the amount of energy that they receive,
Other planets also have their own moons and satellites circling around them.

I'm not the core,
I'm not the centre of everything,
and I certainly can't control everything,
as I'm only in my own galaxy.
Other galaxies have their own way of illumination,
Other galaxies have their own energy systems,
Other galaxies also have their own systems and planets populating in them.

Ultimately,
everyone's important in their own way.
Stop thinking about changing someone else,
Stop complaining about how others act,
Stop expecting that things will be done your way,
As the sun continues to burn on its own,
Supplying endless amounts of beams and energy,
The planets carry on remaining in their own orbit,
As what's important is not how much you will receive back what you've given
the crucial part is that you have willingly and effortlessly done your best,
in being what you might perceive subconsciously as...
The Absolute Centre of Everything.

With warm regards
K.Tang

Static

It's been ages since I updated my blog

Even though from the looks of things I am living a busy life

But somehow a part of me still feel static

Still at the same place

Still at the same mentality

Still at the same pace

And definitely still feeling the same old self

I find it odd when people said "You've grown and matured"

But why can't I see it through my own very eyes?

Are they commenting on the physical changes?

I must admit that time haven't been that nice to me

But hey, I guess most people have the same lament at a certain stage of life

All the things and opportunities that I've gained and missed

Regretting over and celebrating over

But things that tends to haunt you

Ultimately are the things that you have no control over

That's the nature of human beings I guess

Even myself can't dodge this reality

So I always remind myself consciously

Not to over-think it

But in the end

It still lingers in the mind

Appearing in your subconscious state

So yeah

when people asks me, "How've you been?"

The standard answer that they wanna hear is probably, "I'm fine."

But being a person like me

Who at least consciously keep reminding himself to be an alternate human being but ending up as another average commoner

At this stage

I would reply

"Static"

At least I wish to be

With regards

Kevin

20th May 2014

自由哼唱

Cover of 孤单北半球 + 小夫妻

Hoi Mun Tang

2013

I've been waiting

Every second goes by
Every particle of life lands on its respectful place and move on
Every travel of an air molecule
Every strand of matter you see floating across the harsh light
I've been waiting for this?

From every piece of memory formed
From every glance of vision distracted
From every taste of life experienced
From every breath of air exchanged
I've been waiting for that?

Is it true that you had traveled back in time?
Is it true that you had ever wished you could?
Is it true that you had raised your head looking into the past?
Is it true that you had been down because of echoes from deep within?
I've been waiting for thou?

I'll admit that I am not as complete that you think
I'll swear that I am not as tough that you hope I am
I'll promise that I am not as cold that you wished I was
I'll conclude that I am just another mere human being
What have I been waiting for?

As the voyage continues to flow
As the journey pushes us to go
As the sun is dying to glow
As the clouds are starting to show
That's what I've been waiting for
And that's when I'll continue to waltz through everything once again
At least with everything that I've gained
From waiting for what I've been waiting for

With warm regards
Hoi Mun (Kevin) Tang
2013 July 6th

The Invisible Curtains

You live in a dark environment to start with

When you're ready

You started clear as a newly tinted window

You were exposed to things you have not seen before in the past

You were learning as you age

You started to get hold of particular scenes of life

Your parents have been putting up the blinds for you

Depending on their social backgrounds

For the things they assumed they weren't ready to see at your age

For the things they thought were heartbreaking for your vision

For the things they wished they have not seen in the past

But sometimes curiosity is a strong will power

To unfold the things you assumed you were ready to see at your age

To uncover the things you thought weren't all that heartbreaking for your vision

To find out the things your parents wished they have not seen in the past

But in the end

Curiosity became the blamer for most of your undesired visions

But with that

A growth is experienced

Adulthood is gradually achieved

Although deep down inside

We as adults would have tamed our curious inner child

Sometimes

with the hardship and complexity of adulthood

you would have wished that

You've never been curious at all

As we return home after a challenging day

All we yearn for

Is to shut the curtains

To our spaces

Externally and internally

And enter the world

where consciousness state is minimal

2013.1.29

Hoi-Mun Tang

那碗粥

过了好久

甜酸苦辣

最后还是觉得回到原点

吃一碗温馨的粥

还是最好的

突然间

想家了

外婆不知道过得如何

但愿她现在无论在那里都好 

希望她安安稳稳的 

一首[天黑黑]

带我回到了思念的故乡 

我会继续的努力的

from Wretch Addie 2013

A touch of copper

It's a sudden nudge for me sometimes

When I decide to go different

Especially for hair colour in particular

Then it struck in my mind

"Why not?"

So I decided to go with the lightest colour ever in my life

Off to the saloon

No regrets

As I bear the stinginess of the hair-dye

Thinking of what I would look like

Thinking how would people perceive me

Superficially

But in the end

I came to a conclusion

"Who cares?"

As the colour deeply embedded in my hair keratin

A change can be signifying a new start

A change can be hard to cope and accept

A change can be superficial or deep

But it ultimately depends on you

Whether the change affected you

Or the people surrounding you

A change can not be a change

Or a change can be actually life-changing

Time for a change?

Well, I accept anything that comes it way

Not only a touch of copper

But miraculously

Hope I could turn into a new leaf

And change for a better me

2012.12.13

Satisfactory

People tend to be greedy

People tend to be wanting more

People tend to achieve the best

And that includes me

I just realised how I yearn to be a perfectionist

I won't accept just a satisfactory grade

I need a superior grade

Is this greedy?

Is this over competitive?

Why can't I just be satisfied with a satisfactory remark?

Why do I want to have a superior grade?

I don't know

I want to know

I know but couldn't find the answer

Just like today's presentation

I knew the answers

I knew how to present well

But I don't know well enough to do it formally

So I blame myself for a satisfactory

When everyone only wishes for a satisfactory

I wish to be more

Stubborn but

...

it's a worthwhile chase

Isn't it?

Kevin Tang

2012 August 21

Equilibrium

What comes around goes around...

Fair say, but does everything follow this rule?

Nevertheless, people would like things to be balanced.

Just like yin and yang.

But of course people as much as how they wouldn't admit their greed,

I am inclusive of course,

would like things to be in a comfortable outcome more than its counterpart.

With so much on your plate

Sometimes you just wish you don't have to keep them in balance

With time, with health, with family, friendships, personal relationships...

Time had been wasted and gained

Health had been neglected and warranted

Family had been torn and reunited

Friendships had been distanced and reattached

Love had been bitter and sweet

Sounds overwhelming but I guess human beings just adapt to it

Evolution continues, regardless of what any outcome it may be

Since to most people, balance isn't a definite 50-50 ratio

It's more like what they show in chemical equations

The equilibrium

The process still continues

The scales still continues to sway up and down

As long as the core remains

As earthquakes, storms, tornadoes tries to put you off balance

As you fall, there's no other way but to stand up again

And to continue the equilibrium

Acknowledging the past

Stabilizing at present

And reassurance for the future

Kevin Tang

04 August 2012

The cause of imbalance: Reality VS Naivety

and physiological vertigo

The equilibrium continues...

Numbness

Morning approaches silently,
As people lay comfortably on their horizontal position,
Not aware that they need to leave that comfort zone soon.
Mostly insomniacs are already counting down the time their alarm will go off.
Looking at the ceiling,
Waiting for more light to seep through the cracks and openings of the room,
There,
What could be in people's mind?
Yesterday's hardship?
Today's challenge?
Or far beyond the unknown future?
Or rewind into their deepest past?
Isn't it funny how people always plan ahead,
But all they are willing to do at that period of time is craving to lay flat more,
Why not just enjoy the very last few moments of light sleep?
But how could you enjoy it if you are aware that you'll need to be awake soon?
At this stage, numbness occurs...
To me, numbness fits this scenario perfectly.
Where input and output are likely to be equal.
It is when you break the numbness,
You'll not hit the snooze button,
Wake up,
and overwhelm the numbness...
though it sometimes drags on,
but isn't life like that as an adult?
...
Have you got sick of life?
...
No one would admit that...
honestly...
at least not to another homo sapien

By Kaiwyn

Motivation

What is motivation?
Motivation is a special energy that keeps a person going,
Going through the obstacles in life and it goes in cycle,
Until a state of satisfaction is reached,
another challenge will soon launch itself and there the cycle starts again.
Procrastination is one of the manipulative factors to slows the process,
while motivation is the opposite.

What keeps you going?
For some people, it's fame and recognition from media and community,
Like for public figures.
Then what motivates the fans and paparazzi?
In this example, each party feeds of each other's energy to motivate themselves,
kind of like a symbiosis relationship.
 
For parents and guardians, it's their offspring or their dependents.
What about the dependents and the children?
Can symbiosis apply to this relationship?
For some situation, it may be applied, but sometimes, it's like a parasitic relationship.
No matter what, majority of children are dependent on their parents,
Maybe it's the child's innocence that motivates the parents to love and continue on through obstacles and challenges,
I am in no position in judging since I am still a child myself.

For doctors and lecturers, they are motivated to educate the younger generation of doctors-to-be their knowledge and experience.
But what motivates medical students to withhold the upcoming huge responsibility of human's health welfare?
Is there even room to let a failure teach them an important lesson?
When a person's life could be at stake?
Mankind are much more vulnerable during their diseased state.
Where do we find the motivation to face life and death all the time?
I guess clinicians slowly get used to it and would slowly become immune to it.
In the end, motivation could be just from a morning latte.
But medical students are far from this state, how can we learn more efficiently than just staring at boring manuscripts from the past?
This remains a mystery...maybe a motivation to initiate a change in medical education in future.

In conclusion, everyone, no matter who has responsibility over whoever,
Everyone needs motivation.
Have you ever give some to anyone?
Although sometimes it feels like just uttering a few expected phrases of words,
But it does fire up something deep within,
Even if it is a small flare,
it's still motivation...like fuel to continue on...
Carry on...

You can do it!
Kevin Tang

树与叶的故事

季节不停的变

而很少人会停留脚步

去注意当下大自然所带来的感触

为何人们只在秋天时才会注意叶子

而不在它们充满活力的绿色时观赏它们的魅力

而要等到叶子发黄死了

离开了树枝

离开了高度

回到了原地

才发现叶子的美

可能这是所谓的人性

要等到失去了，才会珍惜

要等到不见了，才发现生前的好

我

有时候

也不例外

有时候，我仿佛是一棵树

度过春夏秋冬

叶子发黄了就是发黄了

落地了，就是落地了

只能回想当初的美好

当初的幸福

当太阳的光线打到脸上

才发现

叶子离开了大树

不再制造幸福的氧气

不再一起度过下一个冬天

也许春天，花会开

但必须度过漫长的冬天

想着有叶子时的以前

赤裸裸的大树

在春天的来临前

哭了许多许多...

待续...

by 邓凯文

Wretch Addie 2011

Traumatic Life?

Trauma can be physical and psychological.
It is said as you grow up, you get more psychological trauma than physical ones.
In contrast, anyone would think that physical trauma hurts more than psychological ones.
But think again,
Pathologically, bruises, wounds and cuts are reversible.
Psychologically, it stays, as there is no 100% knowledge covered about the brain,
especially the limbic system that controls one's emotional state.
Sometimes, after a trauma, one would expect to raise their defense in future,
that's just common nature instinct.
But everyone's emotional threshold is different.
If weak, may develop into an acute stress disorder and further on to post-traumatic stress disorder, associated with flashbacks, nightmares and aggression.
It is just the body's own defense mechanism if the person can't handle the trauma,
either physically or psychologically.

Trauma can be temporary and permanent.
It is said as you progress in life, you get switches in both categories of trauma.
Some that comes and go,
Some that will be exclusively erased from memory,
Some that haunts you wherever you go.
But there's always something new to be pre-occupied with everyday.
Some trauma may be revitalising, some trauma may be disabling.
No matter it stays constantly or intermittently in a person's mind,
the main point is that it is still THERE.
Grow from it, learn from it, cope with it,
Because,
there are more trauma coming to get you,
why bother panicking over the ones that had already happened?
Better be emotionally prepared and try your best...

To be in best, for the life's test.

By Kevin Tang

Light Drizzle

I am like a light drizzle.

A rain that does help a bit, but not a whole lot.

A rain that can be sometimes forgettable or sometimes memorable.

A rain that does not make any significance to the weather.

A rain that does not cause disaster neither in the extreme nor the least.

I'm just there...averagely.

People who does not flow with me takes an umbrella.

People who does not care will just walk away like any other day.

People who thinks about me would acknowledge me and might enjoy it...

but still trying to not get to soaked by me, who doesn't?

It does not matter,

I'll keep pouring...lightly.

Who knows someday I might earth out a few flowers or crops,

Who knows someday I might bedazzle everyone with rainbows,

With all that pouring,

I'm sure it would be absorbed somewhere...

Somewhere in the solid grounds,

I shall rest my rainy cloud over it,

and shower down with all my mightiest goodness of all.

Every time there's a light drizzle, I would look up,

...and let it drown my thoughts

END

Kaiwyn

写一首歌来忘与记你

当我遇见你

当我靠近你

当时的心情

当时的我

与当时的你

不顾一切的

想拥有每一秒种的幸福

当爱情开始平静

当爱情不再是每秒的惊喜

当爱情变了习惯

当时的我

与当时的你

安静的

守候彼此的承诺

当恋情太安静了

当恋情不再有期待

当恋情换了姿态

当时的我

与当时的你

不同的挣扎

想找个出路

当单身开始了

当听说变了习惯

当祝福越来越诚实了

当时的我

和当时的你

唯一的连结是彼此爱过

不多也不少

暗藏在心的最低层

我要把每一段的美好与感伤

写成一首又一首的歌

这样

记了

忘了

也特别的美丽

每当我哼唱这些歌

虽然短短一首歌

每一个词都充满的不同的感受

就在这哼唱期间惦记了你

也在歌词的最后安慰了自己

完。。。吗？

凯文

Wretch Addie 2011