Friend or fiend

Emotional Burnout

It's such a strange sensation to feel

Trapped again in this vicious cycle

As if I am twenty-one yet again

 The passion so fiery it melts so easy

Nevertheless, it was never of pain as it scorches

However, the after burn is excruciating

Along with the chaos of repercussion after that

Like how second or third-degree burns linger

Wondering when you will fully recover and stopping the cinder

As you douse yourself under cold running water of reality

Trying to estimate the damage and pre-empt the maintenance needed

You start to ponder on your pre-existing conditions

And how it would hinder your recovery, post trauma

 

And oh, what would people say

What would people think

About that evident dysregulated scar

Nakedly fresh and raw

Yet still oblivious to people who knew

Feigning it like a fictional illusion

Abandoned like a destitute being on the streetside

 

As you peer into your lifeless frame

Bargaining about how you got yourself into this flame

And that impulse of embracing the warmth of that initial spark

Blinded by its potential to leave a daunting mark

As misty eyes led to a shower of sorrow

The saltiness made the wound so hollow

Bellowing all the remaining reservoir, already so shallow

They stayed still and watched like a sparrow

Drifting to a different space and shadow

Along with unresolved rancour harboured in their marrow

For you, there is marginal room and space to mellow

Returning to the heart of the reality's gallows

Telling yourself to be that decent fellow

by Kaiwyn

16/11/2021

Life Matters

Coming to terms and acceptance...

It appears that it has never been an immediate occurence for me,

Not sure if I know anyone that just takes it all in upon acknowledging such information.

Things that I have chosen to let go...

Things that I have chosen to hoard...

Like an osmosis through an ever so permeable barrier.

Treasures that I perceived that you may have offered to me...

Treasures that I perceived that you may have physically looted from me...

Emotionally it kinda stays,

Either it was a fair game of give and take or not,

Sunken into a form of subconscious solvent,

Enriching the depth of my layered experiences.

I have always been trying to live in the now.

I have always been trying to envision the future.

I have always found myself in the strip of old memory lane,

Asking for a reason and rationalising every conscious decision I made and or about to make

The question that appears to always have a vague answer of self-soothe elements,

Which would not solidify the final verdict of an ended matter.

Denial? You would say that.

But before you imply any judgement on these thought processes,

Understand this,

Solutions does not always instantly warrant concrete resolute,

Resolutions does not always immediately guarantees liquidified matters or conflicts,

It all gradual and there are multiple environmental factors to achieve certain states,

Just like in physics and chemistry,

If you want to look at it in a more black and white way,

But I always enjoy a little poetic and philosophical approach in life,

I guess you would get the idea by now,

Halt!

Yeah, just as I thought.

Kevin Tang

7th May 2019

One night in Gosford, whilst on a night shift

An absolute favourite from Michelle Branch's latest album in 2017- Fault Line

Covered by Kaiwyn Tang, my singer persona

Fault Line Cover

Breathe in, Breathe out

These days have got me thinking about tremendous amount of matters

Feels that everytime you accomplished a task,

There always seems to have a lack of accomplishment.

Thinking if there is something else I'm missing,

which I can't pinpoint what.

I'm sure everyone has this feelings before

Wonder if anyone has found the solution for this

Somehow, I am not thrown off by these at all,

I tend to let it marinate for awhile prior to slashing the matter off my worry list

Not fearful of consequences of procrastinating

Wonder if this is a protective or destructive trait for a person

But definitely not as bad as compulsive traits

I think I might have set my perfectionism free

As for now,

doesn't matter if things are going on plan or not,

whether things I want becomes the way I wish for it to be,

or whether series of events leading to a desirable outcome or not,

I just breathe,

take it all in,

and live with it,

no point driving my anxiety over something I can't control,

especially in developing a romantic relationship,

Don't fret,

Someone may turn up,

Even if they don't,

I got more things to juggle with now,

on verge of completely transitioning into adulthood,

having to pay for mortgage soon,

multiple responsibilities,

Come what may...

有爱没爱我都不会慌

One of my favourite Mandarin songs covered by myself

有爱没爱我都不会慌

By Kaiwyn Tang

Night shift letter

19th April 2018

Empty Handed

Coming to the end of 2017
A few more hours before the usual annual celebration
But still listening to the early teenage era music
Ironically the melody was nostalgic but also brings the spirit down
Literally as it sang "You just bring me down..."
Looking into the current scenery, it appears that not much has changed
Except for my grown out physique,
And the feeling of kinda burning out but not fully,
Initial plans of wanting to recuperate was denied,
But does not feel like its the end of the world...

The multiple people and personalities met so far,
Either new or changed circumstances,
Felt the static of own while others evolved into different stages,
Or maybe because all along,
Reflection upon self was insufficient,
I guess it's hard to see self with own eyes...
What you thought could be empty handed,
In another person perspective, could be a treasure hidden just underneath solid ground
Just awaiting for the right person to put that vision into your field
And prosper, and to share the fruit of what you may initially thought was...
Empty handed

26/12/17
Kevin Tang

Pluto

I was floating peacefully in my own space,
I have my own orbit different than most,
I have my own moons that circles around me,
I was in my own world for a long time,
Doesn't matter if I was furthest from the Sun,
Or whether if I am icy cold,
I am a free spirit in my own wavelength,

Until someone spotted me,
I was given a name,
I was given a position,
I was given a title,
A satellite was launched out for me,
Suddenly my every spin and adventure in space was closely monitored,
I am still a free spirit,
Still in my own wavelength,
But being labelled by someone in the 3rd planet of the Solar System,
Whom I can't even see hear or feel from my side.

Until someone denied me,
I was demoted from my previous position,
I was stripped off from my previous title,
I was labelled as just another asteroid floating in Solar System,
My every spin and adventure in space was still closely monitored,
I am still a free spirit,
Still in my own wavelength,
Despite being labelled by someone,
And denied by someone else in the same 3rd planet of the Solar System.
The satellite that finally flew me by,
With the remains of that someone who spotted me,
Whom I still can't even see hear or feel from my side,

Here is the irony of the story,
Where a person from the 3rd planet of the Solar System,
Writing about how I would see,
How I would hear,
How I would feel,
With 7.5 billion kilometers of distance,
You can only imagine and imply,
But what about seeing, hearing and feeling within the people in the 3rd planet?
Do you imagine and imply?
Or go directly and seek the truth?

Pluto
by Kevin Tang
2nd August 2015

Out of Hands

From the day when you can control things,
the very first word you spoke,
the very first item you manipulated,
the very first conscious deep sleep you took,
the very first arithmetic question you solved,
the very first friend you befriended,
you feel that you are in control,
and it will be in such way forever.

But from the day when you have to control things,
every word that you spoke,
every item that you manipulated,
every rest that you took,
every arithmetic question that you solved,
every friend that you befriended,
you hope that you are in control,
and it will not be out of your hands.

As aging process takes place,
Realisation of that there are things that can't be in control,
But still,
People work really hard to be organised,
and to remain on the "throne" of their own kingdom.
But if the motivation is from trying to keep everything in its respective spot,
Why do things become so messy on its own?
Even without your own manipulation or effort,
Things can still get out of hands and change.

So what do you perceived as being in control?
You won't know for sure if that,
the words that you have spoken is the way you want people to understand,
the items that you have manipulated is the way you want it to end up like,
the rest that you have taken is the actual amount of deep sleep you envisioned,
the arithmetic questions that you have came up with an answer to be accurate,
the friends you have taken time befriending to be your exclusive friends for life.
Being in control doesn't mean that you have to acquire what you have exactly aimed it to be like,
It's actually not being thrown off even if in the end,
what you have wanted,
did not go the way you wanted it to be.

K.Tang
21/09/2014

The sun

I'm the core,
I'm the centre of everything,
hence I control everything,
I control the amount of beams that I release,
I manage the amount of energy that I burn,
I allow the amount of planets circling around me.

I'm the core,
I'm the centre of everything,
but I don't control everything,
Other planets filter the amount of beams that they acquire,
Other planets manage the amount of energy that they receive,
Other planets also have their own moons and satellites circling around them.

I'm not the core,
I'm not the centre of everything,
and I certainly can't control everything,
as I'm only in my own galaxy.
Other galaxies have their own way of illumination,
Other galaxies have their own energy systems,
Other galaxies also have their own systems and planets populating in them.

Ultimately,
everyone's important in their own way.
Stop thinking about changing someone else,
Stop complaining about how others act,
Stop expecting that things will be done your way,
As the sun continues to burn on its own,
Supplying endless amounts of beams and energy,
The planets carry on remaining in their own orbit,
As what's important is not how much you will receive back what you've given
the crucial part is that you have willingly and effortlessly done your best,
in being what you might perceive subconsciously as...
The Absolute Centre of Everything.

With warm regards
K.Tang

Static

It's been ages since I updated my blog

Even though from the looks of things I am living a busy life

But somehow a part of me still feel static

Still at the same place

Still at the same mentality

Still at the same pace

And definitely still feeling the same old self

I find it odd when people said "You've grown and matured"

But why can't I see it through my own very eyes?

Are they commenting on the physical changes?

I must admit that time haven't been that nice to me

But hey, I guess most people have the same lament at a certain stage of life

All the things and opportunities that I've gained and missed

Regretting over and celebrating over

But things that tends to haunt you

Ultimately are the things that you have no control over

That's the nature of human beings I guess

Even myself can't dodge this reality

So I always remind myself consciously

Not to over-think it

But in the end

It still lingers in the mind

Appearing in your subconscious state

So yeah

when people asks me, "How've you been?"

The standard answer that they wanna hear is probably, "I'm fine."

But being a person like me

Who at least consciously keep reminding himself to be an alternate human being but ending up as another average commoner

At this stage

I would reply

"Static"

At least I wish to be

With regards

Kevin

20th May 2014

自由哼唱

Cover of 孤单北半球 + 小夫妻

Hoi Mun Tang

2013

I've been waiting

Every second goes by
Every particle of life lands on its respectful place and move on
Every travel of an air molecule
Every strand of matter you see floating across the harsh light
I've been waiting for this?

From every piece of memory formed
From every glance of vision distracted
From every taste of life experienced
From every breath of air exchanged
I've been waiting for that?

Is it true that you had traveled back in time?
Is it true that you had ever wished you could?
Is it true that you had raised your head looking into the past?
Is it true that you had been down because of echoes from deep within?
I've been waiting for thou?

I'll admit that I am not as complete that you think
I'll swear that I am not as tough that you hope I am
I'll promise that I am not as cold that you wished I was
I'll conclude that I am just another mere human being
What have I been waiting for?

As the voyage continues to flow
As the journey pushes us to go
As the sun is dying to glow
As the clouds are starting to show
That's what I've been waiting for
And that's when I'll continue to waltz through everything once again
At least with everything that I've gained
From waiting for what I've been waiting for

With warm regards
Hoi Mun (Kevin) Tang
2013 July 6th

大人游戏

从小到现在

我们在不停的玩人生的游戏

也许觉得小时候的难关

现在看回去

多了经验 也多了一份勇敢

现在反而感觉为什么大人的难关如此的难闯

突然就想起了当初多了大人的帮助的确不一样

怎么说 现在独立时代的到来 每日的风风雨雨

都是靠自己而继续的走下去的

有时侯虽然很想回到过去

躲躲闪闪的 也会有人伸出圆手

虽然时间是残忍的

但有时侯也会觉得时间是温暖的

经过那些时断时续

才会有今天的自己

与其回到我们的童年寻找躲避与安慰

还不如计划着怎么去应付眼前的事故

只要明白了这道理

你就会渐渐的

Level Up!

也为未来做好了一点心灵的备份 

from Wretch Addie 2013

The Invisible Curtains

You live in a dark environment to start with

When you're ready

You started clear as a newly tinted window

You were exposed to things you have not seen before in the past

You were learning as you age

You started to get hold of particular scenes of life

Your parents have been putting up the blinds for you

Depending on their social backgrounds

For the things they assumed they weren't ready to see at your age

For the things they thought were heartbreaking for your vision

For the things they wished they have not seen in the past

But sometimes curiosity is a strong will power

To unfold the things you assumed you were ready to see at your age

To uncover the things you thought weren't all that heartbreaking for your vision

To find out the things your parents wished they have not seen in the past

But in the end

Curiosity became the blamer for most of your undesired visions

But with that

A growth is experienced

Adulthood is gradually achieved

Although deep down inside

We as adults would have tamed our curious inner child

Sometimes

with the hardship and complexity of adulthood

you would have wished that

You've never been curious at all

As we return home after a challenging day

All we yearn for

Is to shut the curtains

To our spaces

Externally and internally

And enter the world

where consciousness state is minimal

2013.1.29

Hoi-Mun Tang

那碗粥

过了好久

甜酸苦辣

最后还是觉得回到原点

吃一碗温馨的粥

还是最好的

突然间

想家了

外婆不知道过得如何

但愿她现在无论在那里都好 

希望她安安稳稳的 

一首[天黑黑]

带我回到了思念的故乡 

我会继续的努力的

from Wretch Addie 2013

Friendship

All these years

All those memories

All that craziness

All that has passed

Remains in our little diary of friendship

Friends come and go

It's up to yourself to grasp them

And remain them on the present

For a spot in the future

Where there's you

and there's them

with your new friends

Cherish your friends

Cherish your loved ones

And definitely cherish your memories

Growing up to who you are now

2013.01.28

A touch of copper

It's a sudden nudge for me sometimes

When I decide to go different

Especially for hair colour in particular

Then it struck in my mind

"Why not?"

So I decided to go with the lightest colour ever in my life

Off to the saloon

No regrets

As I bear the stinginess of the hair-dye

Thinking of what I would look like

Thinking how would people perceive me

Superficially

But in the end

I came to a conclusion

"Who cares?"

As the colour deeply embedded in my hair keratin

A change can be signifying a new start

A change can be hard to cope and accept

A change can be superficial or deep

But it ultimately depends on you

Whether the change affected you

Or the people surrounding you

A change can not be a change

Or a change can be actually life-changing

Time for a change?

Well, I accept anything that comes it way

Not only a touch of copper

But miraculously

Hope I could turn into a new leaf

And change for a better me

2012.12.13

Simplicity

Something bothersome

How would you deal with it?

How would I deal with it?

Ignore it? Patience? Work around it?

Or you have to get rid of it or at least do something to alter it

Partially? Completely?

Sometimes life isn't all what you wish for.

But the future me would definitely hate myself for doing things half assed

Unlike children, they wish for simple things like glucose treats

While when you're an adult, you wish what a kid used to have, your inner child's possession

Naivety, ignorance towards reality, and simplicity

Though some kids are complicated, but generally they're simple minded

How would they deal with something bothersome?

The simple answer to a child is probably leave it to the adults

But as adults it is not compulsory to get rid of something bothersome for good

As not all of them are get riddable

Solution sometimes includes living with it, adapting to it and competing with it

After all that's what life's about, isn't it?

In the end, it makes us appreciate the simple times in future

A white cloth on a flat green land

A straw basket with some plain white sandwich

A bright sun in the clear blue sky

Well that's my image of simplicity

Why complicate things with politics, power and other personal grudges?

What's your image of simplicity?

Put a curve on that lips and think simple.

Satisfactory

People tend to be greedy

People tend to be wanting more

People tend to achieve the best

And that includes me

I just realised how I yearn to be a perfectionist

I won't accept just a satisfactory grade

I need a superior grade

Is this greedy?

Is this over competitive?

Why can't I just be satisfied with a satisfactory remark?

Why do I want to have a superior grade?

I don't know

I want to know

I know but couldn't find the answer

Just like today's presentation

I knew the answers

I knew how to present well

But I don't know well enough to do it formally

So I blame myself for a satisfactory

When everyone only wishes for a satisfactory

I wish to be more

Stubborn but

...

it's a worthwhile chase

Isn't it?

Kevin Tang

2012 August 21

Equilibrium

What comes around goes around...

Fair say, but does everything follow this rule?

Nevertheless, people would like things to be balanced.

Just like yin and yang.

But of course people as much as how they wouldn't admit their greed,

I am inclusive of course,

would like things to be in a comfortable outcome more than its counterpart.

With so much on your plate

Sometimes you just wish you don't have to keep them in balance

With time, with health, with family, friendships, personal relationships...

Time had been wasted and gained

Health had been neglected and warranted

Family had been torn and reunited

Friendships had been distanced and reattached

Love had been bitter and sweet

Sounds overwhelming but I guess human beings just adapt to it

Evolution continues, regardless of what any outcome it may be

Since to most people, balance isn't a definite 50-50 ratio

It's more like what they show in chemical equations

The equilibrium

The process still continues

The scales still continues to sway up and down

As long as the core remains

As earthquakes, storms, tornadoes tries to put you off balance

As you fall, there's no other way but to stand up again

And to continue the equilibrium

Acknowledging the past

Stabilizing at present

And reassurance for the future

Kevin Tang

04 August 2012

The cause of imbalance: Reality VS Naivety

and physiological vertigo

The equilibrium continues...

Oblivion

From the moment in the sealed up place,
Slowly onto a stranger's embrace.
The first emotional expression to the very present mood,
All I know is how merciless the hands of the clock can be,
Not sparing a second to waste.

Little boy crawled to stand,
Falls and failures like the sand,
All shaped by thy guardians' hand,
Sometimes stolen and left mighty to stand,
Not a single being would ever understand,
How things had gotten so out of hand.

As cells grow and degenerate,
Memories are still to be kept,
Like a process of evolution,
Only the strongest survives and adheres,
To our very own present and future,
Tormented or blessed, it's in our minds,
Naturally or forcefully never fights,
As gradually everything goes automatically,
into a trance of silent oblivion,
which may creep up to us quietly,
like a prey stalked by a lion,
But no scars or damage are to be witnessed,
when it ambushes,
as severity depends on how the oblivious it can be.

Written by
Kevin Tang Hoi Mun
2012/4/22