Aftermath

"It's important to monitor you since you're on Clozapine when it has the side effects of agranulocytosis which is a white cell defect and potential myocarditis...", while I explain to the patient and handed over the blood collection kit to the new RMO in ward. I was not confident to do it on an aggressive patient yet. 

Things are always about side effects in pharmacological intervention,
but recently I think people act hastily in general some times,
even with knowing the possible consequences, they still happen to do it.
What drives them to actually act on their intuition?
Is there any degree of gain involved?
Sometimes trying to be in their shoes to understand what they are going through,
but psychology can get a bit complicated and you would not want to be too attached to your patient.
When psychiatry registrars are explaining things like philosophers,
about how could the patients present with this behavior,
with all the psychodynamics and biological models,
it somehow connected to me,
the words uttered from him somehow makes sense to me,
which is different when I am doing other rotation (eg. neuro, cardio etc)
Could this be from doing too much psychiatry?
Do I want to be in psychiatry?- I don't know,
at least not consciously,
not if I sit down and research about what I really want,
besides there is still lots to be experienced yet.

"I understand that you've been using alcohol as something to numb away the sorrow and grief, but now your body is too intoxicated, and they want the alcohol out. We can still provide some benzos for your withdrawal  after doing the AWS, then monitor you closely...", stated the consultant while I'm writing the progress notes in patient's file.

Loss can be really shocking to anyone,
With such an intense stimuli, it is normal for a person to defend it,
unconsciously or consciously.
In denial, forming a barrier and keeping the loss from within,
finding a replacement (eg alcohol and drug abuse),
referring back to the origin or when naivety is most likely prevalent,
these are all examples of defensive methods after a loss.
The positive approach would be desirable, to move on,
but it will take a while.
Things that can't be undone,
things that comes back to haunt you,
things that makes you feel imperfect,
Aftermath,
how scary and fearful it is,
but hey,
I guess you acquire active immunity from it,
it will get less intense next time when it happens,
but it is just another way of comforting yourself,
isn't it?
honestly speaking...

by
Kaiwyn Tang