Friday, December 30, 2011

Comes and Goes

I am here.
I am stationary.
I feel the same breeze blowing pass me.
I see the same lights shining over me.
I hear the same sound flickering towards me.
I deal with the same people wanting something from me.
I am stationary?
Why do I feel the harsh breeze blowing on me?
Why do I see the glaring lights shining over me?
Why do I hear unfamiliar noises overlapping on me?
Why do I deal with strange people wanting to give something to me?
I am still stationary.

You came.
You are wavering.
You shift to feel the same breeze blowing pass me.
You change to see the same lights shining over me.
You move to hear the same sound flickering towards me.
You decide to deal with the same people wanting something from me.
You are wavering?
How can you shift to feel the same harsh breeze blowing on me?
How can you change to see the same glaring lights shining over me?
How can you move to hear the same unfamiliar noises overlapping on me?
How can you decide to deal with the same strange people wanting to give something to me?
You are still wavering.

You left.
You assumed I was wavering,
But I was nothing but stationary.
I felt the same harsh breeze blowing pass us.
I saw the same glaring lights shining over us.
I heard the same unfamiliar noises overlapping on us.
I dealt with the same strange people wanting to give something to us.
I am still here.
Still here feeling, seeing, hearing, and dealing,
With the vacant space that you wavered away from.
I am still stationary,
Stationary unlike the unspoken waverer.


Written by Kevin Tang
2012


Saturday, November 26, 2011

Kevin Tang - Dedicated To You [ORIGINAL]

Always feeling musical during assignment or exam periods...
This time I wrote a song, "dedicated to you"

Song title: Dedicated to You
Lyrics and composed by Kevin Tang

The sun's shining on me
It tells me to breathe
It knows that I can't say THAT out loud to you

PRE-CHORUS
You know that I'm introverted
Sometimes think that I'm perverted
So I wrote you this song
Hope you'll know
Wish you'll know
My feelings (affections) for you

CHORUS
I miss (need) you I want (love) you
That's what I'll do
To the East (North) To the West (South)
I'll go for you
All I need (wish) All I want (hope)
is you by my side
Oh how I wish that I'm with you
Oh I just want to be with you

The moon's glaring at me
It's so hard to believe
Time passes so quick and I haven't say THAT in awhile

Repeat (PRE-CHORUS)
Repeat (CHORUS)

This song is dedicated to you
You know who you are
So I don't have to say directly to you

Repeat CHORUS

What I've written just for you
Is my way of saying that
I'm glued~
#END

Wednesday, November 09, 2011

Seclusion: Battle between two selfs

Once ever so sunny, now it is drizzling,
Things that have gone smoothly, sometimes obstructive,
Just like most people in life,
mood swings, ups and downs, high and low,
there is never a definite description that will last forever,
no matter how you wish it would stay.

Range of happiness,
range of sadness,
but no matter how down your mood is,
once it hits rock bottom,
there is no other way but up,
and it happens the other way around as well,
just like the exhilarating part of alcohol,
then comes the irritating hangover,
and goes back to the normal daily life phase.

Sad<---------Normal--------->Happy
Is it really true that everyone put their mood in a rating scale?
As a medical profession I've always had been asking about from scale of 1 to 10,
how would the patient rate their mood/ pain/ feeling?
Then I ask myself at the end,
Is it possible to quantify anything so subjective?
Can you actually isolate the feeling to a respective percentage or integer?
When you explore it,
it is always more than just being some ranking to allow other health professionals to get an insight of what a patient feels,
Does it always mean the same if other people gave the same digit to describe their feelings?
Do people in general all express their feelings in the same way?
Or following the social norms?
I guess it ultimately relies on a person's personality,
although this is where misunderstandings and assumptions are made,
by people who think they know it all but in fact,
they are just people who are following to the codes that are perceived as 'normal' in society.

People try their best to stay on the optimum mood,
People try to avoid and be somewhat of an isolationist,
But all with intention of trying to keep their mood stable,
Seclusion does not always have to be a negative thing to do,
Deep inside,
At least you are with someone who understands and knows you the best,
who is capable of dealing with the enemy deep within you
which is yourself...
against...
yourself

by Kaiwyn Tang

Wednesday, November 02, 2011

Aftermath

"It's important to monitor you since you're on Clozapine when it has the side effects of agranulocytosis which is a white cell defect and potential myocarditis...", while I explain to the patient and handed over the blood collection kit to the new RMO in ward. I was not confident to do it on an aggressive patient yet. 
Things are always about side effects in pharmacological intervention,
but recently I think people act hastily in general some times,
even with knowing the possible consequences, they still happen to do it.
What drives them to actually act on their intuition?
Is there any degree of gain involved?
Sometimes trying to be in their shoes to understand what they are going through,
but psychology can get a bit complicated and you would not want to be too attached to your patient.
When psychiatry registrars are explaining things like philosophers,
about how could the patients present with this behavior,
with all the psychodynamics and biological models,
it somehow connected to me,
the words uttered from him somehow makes sense to me,
which is different when I am doing other rotation (eg. neuro, cardio etc)
Could this be from doing too much psychiatry?
Do I want to be in psychiatry?- I don't know,
at least not consciously,
not if I sit down and research about what I really want,
besides there is still lots to be experienced yet.
"I understand that you've been using alcohol as something to numb away the sorrow and grief, but now your body is too intoxicated, and they want the alcohol out. We can still provide some benzos for your withdrawal  after doing the AWS, then monitor you closely...", stated the consultant while I'm writing the progress notes in patient's file.
Loss can be really shocking to anyone,
With such an intense stimuli, it is normal for a person to defend it,
unconsciously or consciously.
In denial, forming a barrier and keeping the loss from within,
finding a replacement (eg alcohol and drug abuse),
referring back to the origin or when naivety is most likely prevalent,
these are all examples of defensive methods after a loss.
The positive approach would be desirable, to move on,
but it will take a while.
Things that can't be undone,
things that comes back to haunt you,
things that makes you feel imperfect,
Aftermath,
how scary and fearful it is,
but hey,
I guess you acquire active immunity from it,
it will get less intense next time when it happens,
but it is just another way of comforting yourself,
isn't it?
honestly speaking...

by
Kaiwyn Tang

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Truth beyond lies

Starting from the bottom of my heart,
most people at my age still tends to behave like a kid from time to time,
never in their naivety that they realise,
what could happen in reality,
so most of them follow the crowd,
most leaders would still have a period of time when they were followers,
until they achieve something great and was once far out of reach,
they followed the crowd and gather all the experience and knowledge.
I used the term 'most people' just to feel less guilty and to get on with it easier to be honest.

In this era, most people would acquire knowledge from tertiary studies
and worry about how to gain experience in the future.
But not all people are satisfied with just facing the books and computers,
some would be involved in work just to feel like living,
but some would involved in work actually for a living.
This could not be compared to theory, "Eat to live or live to eat"
Because you still have to eat to survive, it is a mandatory act,
but people who work just to feel like living does not compulsorily need to work.,
but who does not like some cash into their own wallet?
Men created currency to help make things function easier in the world,
but without knowing how people now cannot function without money,
causing different sorts of inequity issues.

A stable and healthy financial source is what everyone would hope for,
actually possibly to lie and die for to keep the source ongoing for most people,
at least that's what most people know growing up in a working parents' family,
Parents would come back home after work and de-stress with their beloved kids,
sometimes share their philosophy of work and how they wish their child would not have to work,
I remember when I was just a kid,
I always wanted to work to help out with family,
And always wondered why they are being so defensive about me earning some money,
when financially it does not make any sense.
Things started to clear up as I started working,
and funny how I wished to be still cared by my parents,
but life goes on and responsibilities keep adding up,
and with all the given duties in life,
it is crucial to maintain a stable financial source,
although I would hate to admit that I would need an inorganic material to survive,
but that is the truth.

Considering anyone in a tight spot of having to pay for their tuition fees, rent and living essentials,
Majority would have possibly lied to secure a job,
Ethically wrong, but there would not be any ethics to discuss when you're broke.
Sure there are agencies to help and money to loan but for some folks, it will be limited,
At least lying to keep a job in my opinion would not affect my work performance,
since internal affairs would not be reflecting work credibility, it is more on the social side.
But I do understand on the employer's side that trust is important too,
So whether the employee forge a clever and beautiful lie,
Or don't work at all since lying is still not advisable,
But honesty in reality is like a fragile bubble of air floating up to the sky,
You don't know when it will pop before it actually reach the stratosphere,
Would you be honest and tell your boss that you are working for their money?
Although it is obvious but not many employee would admit that in front of their employer/s.
Every employer would love to have employees that are sincere and honest,
but where do you cross the line before you look like you're kissing their ass,
and have the other employees go AWOL on you.

To the very least, in my experience,
I was dedicated to help and I have helped,
Maintaining a healthy relationship with the co-workers and boss/es,
Predominantly sincere and honest in all areas of work,
but using a lie to secure a financial source would be fatally bad for me,
like pulling off a nail where the picture hangs,
although public sees the artwork,
but once the nail has been pulled off, everything shatters.
What's left is a lesson learnt,
and try like hell to stand up tall again,
and not to use a 'lie' nail to hang up my working life,
unless you're a professional liar or life-threatening desperate,
but clear it up to your boss before they find out,
any empathetic being would understand and forgive,
but still be prepared for a sack if you're uncertain.

Lesson learnt:
Honesty is honesty, it's non-manipulative and definite,
lies in the other hand can be manipulated all the time.
Trust needs honesty and some non-manipulative lies.

By Kaiwyn

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Withdrawal

Well *takes a deep breathe*
Sunlight shines through the semi-transparent glass into my room full of notes and unorganised apparels.
There I was lying on the same old bed,
Looking through my contacts in my phone,
dialed up to a few friends - "No answer"
I was about to take a quick nap just before I go hardcore on studies back.
As I was about to doze off with procrastination,
I decided to jolt up from my horizontal position,
Washed my used dishes,
Cooked dinner although it's only 410pm.
Came back into the gloomy sunny room,
suddenly felt a bit autumn-ish,
the yellowness of the light soothes me as well as it brought some melancholy,
I wonder why...

Memories slowly recollected into my mind,
although I thought it was full from all the studies that I had done,
the decision of withdrawing from last semester when I had gone through it,
the decision of withdrawing from my parent's financial care,
the decision of withdrawing from love and friendship,
slowly haunts me...
every decision that I had made so far...
probably not particularly for the whole 22 years,
if I have to think about what I had consciously withdrawn from for the first time in my life,
it is definitely the decision of withdrawing from eating vegetables as a child.
Like a puzzle joining into a picture,
What will fuse into with every withdrawal or addiction?
I froze for a bit
...
Doesn't it end up into a picture of me in future?












Kaiwyn Tang

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Rainy Bakery

You were introduced into my life in the beginning of 2001.
I can still remember you were really easy to approach, not long after, we became good buddies.
When everyone did not support the decision of me being the class monitor,
you were among the few who supported me.
We were always competing against each other in studies,
especially in History, you were always the teacher's favorite student.
We changed classes after 2 years in Form 3, but we would still hang out during lunch times.
When I was feeling down,
all alone eating my spicy bowl of noodles in the canteen.
You would approach me and be concerned.
After a year, we then reassembled back into the same class for another 2 years.
Where we made a lot of memories together.
We went for camping with the Cahaya people,
Going to museums and planetarium,
Organising food and fun fair together,
Participating in dramas, public speaking and choir...
Just things ended so quickly...
So quickly that I can't even remember.
After going to our senior prom and Cahaya's, we then seldom meet after school.
Sometimes we accidentally meet in places,
When we do, we'll be chatting for ages.
The last time was February 2008.
To suddenly hear about the bad news, I was devastated.
I didn't knew it would affect me that bad.
At first, I was mad that I wasn't kept in the loop.
I've always treated you as one of my close buddies.
But... I respect your decision.
I did what I can do for now.
Is to hope you are happy wherever you are...
My dear friend...
Missing you...

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Numbness

Morning approaches silently,
As people lay comfortably on their horizontal position,
Not aware that they need to leave that comfort zone soon.
Mostly insomniacs are already counting down the time their alarm will go off.
Looking at the ceiling,
Waiting for more light to seep through the cracks and openings of the room,
There,
What could be in people's mind?
Yesterday's hardship?
Today's challenge?
Or far beyond the unknown future?
Or rewind into their deepest past?
Isn't it funny how people always plan ahead,
But all they are willing to do at that period of time is craving to lay flat more,
Why not just enjoy the very last few moments of light sleep?
But how could you enjoy it if you are aware that you'll need to be awake soon?
At this stage, numbness occurs...
To me, numbness fits this scenario perfectly.
Where input and output are likely to be equal.
It is when you break the numbness,
You'll not hit the snooze button,
Wake up,
and overwhelm the numbness...
though it sometimes drags on,
but isn't life like that as an adult?
...
Have you got sick of life?
...
No one would admit that...
honestly...
at least not to another homo sapien

By Kaiwyn



Saturday, July 02, 2011

风吹云散

好冷
风吹的时候
好冷
想念家里的大树
想念你那厚厚的包容

在异乡到处乱走散发的种子
冬天应该都不会发芽
突然发现其中一个
露出了明显的萌芽
就在那么寒冷的气候
初初不相信也不敢如何对待

不久后
虽然没有浇水或好好照顾的习惯
慢慢的长大
答应着许多未来的遐想
花开奉果的未来
当时的害怕与不安依然还在
但却开始稍微的照顾了这一个可能发芽的萌芽

才过了不久
成长渐渐变得太虚幻了
可是也没有枯萎的
依然一样的愣在那里
曾经的承诺一朵一朵的像花瓣落在空地里
风吹云散
那类似发芽的种子依然还在
偶尔走过的时候
浇了几滴稀少的泪
再往前继续走进未知的未来

待续 凯文
Wretch Addie 2011

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Motivation


What is motivation?
Motivation is a special energy that keeps a person going,
Going through the obstacles in life and it goes in cycle,
Until a state of satisfaction is reached,
another challenge will soon launch itself and there the cycle starts again.
Procrastination is one of the manipulative factors to slows the process,
while motivation is the opposite.

What keeps you going?
For some people, it's fame and recognition from media and community,
Like for public figures.
Then what motivates the fans and paparazzi?
In this example, each party feeds of each other's energy to motivate themselves,
kind of like a symbiosis relationship.
 
For parents and guardians, it's their offspring or their dependents.
What about the dependents and the children?
Can symbiosis apply to this relationship?
For some situation, it may be applied, but sometimes, it's like a parasitic relationship.
No matter what, majority of children are dependent on their parents,
Maybe it's the child's innocence that motivates the parents to love and continue on through obstacles and challenges,
I am in no position in judging since I am still a child myself.

For doctors and lecturers, they are motivated to educate the younger generation of doctors-to-be their knowledge and experience.
But what motivates medical students to withhold the upcoming huge responsibility of human's health welfare?
Is there even room to let a failure teach them an important lesson?
When a person's life could be at stake?
Mankind are much more vulnerable during their diseased state.
Where do we find the motivation to face life and death all the time?
I guess clinicians slowly get used to it and would slowly become immune to it.
In the end, motivation could be just from a morning latte.
But medical students are far from this state, how can we learn more efficiently than just staring at boring manuscripts from the past?
This remains a mystery...maybe a motivation to initiate a change in medical education in future.

In conclusion, everyone, no matter who has responsibility over whoever,
Everyone needs motivation.
Have you ever give some to anyone?
Although sometimes it feels like just uttering a few expected phrases of words,
But it does fire up something deep within,
Even if it is a small flare,
it's still motivation...like fuel to continue on...
Carry on...

You can do it!
Kevin Tang

Sunday, May 15, 2011

PMS II - Procrastinating Medical Studies II


Yet another procrastination entry...
if every time when I got sidetracked and collected a dime,
I would have raised a charity fund for the unfortunate ones.

So first of all, organisation!
Things to complete
  1. Complete the counseling video task and reflective
  2. Complete Aboriginal assignment task
  3. Complete General Practice Log Book
  4. Organisation of HES- Getting signature and proposal form done
  5. Study for examinations + practice clinical skills
  6. Enroll for Semester 2 2011

Study plan, study plan!!!
Be strong willed!

Saturday, May 14, 2011

The Nothing Days

Days after days,
Minute after minute,
Time is passing us by silently,
you'll probably not aware of it during busy days,
but sometimes when you're aware of it, it somehow felt frozen.

Heart is beating,
Blood is circulating,
Cells are dividing,
But why do I feel so stationery?
Gazing upon the dead space,
acknowledging all the scientific physiologies happening around me,
To some extent, I know there's still lots to life that I'm not familiar with,
But everything just went behind my mind,
Occupied by an emptiness atmosphere,
Waiting for time to pass by, although I've been trying not to let it happen.
I then close my eyes,
trying not to give much of a thought,
Even though I knew it would be impossible,
but surprisingly nothing popped out in mind,
Nothing...
Just gradually, from being conscious of my breathing sounds,
Slowly as the negativity creeps in,
I gave myself a big stretch,
and continued my daily busy days,

awaiting for the next therapeutic nothing days...

By Kevin Tang

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

树与叶的故事

季节不停的变
而很少人会停留脚步
去注意当下大自然所带来的感触
为何人们只在秋天时才会注意叶子
而不在它们充满活力的绿色时观赏它们的魅力
而要等到叶子发黄死了
离开了树枝
离开了高度
回到了原地
才发现叶子的美

可能这是所谓的人性
要等到失去了,才会珍惜
要等到不见了,才发现生前的好
有时候
也不例外
有时候,我仿佛是一棵树
度过春夏秋冬

叶子发黄了就是发黄了
落地了,就是落地了
只能回想当初的美好
当初的幸福
当太阳的光线打到脸上
才发现
叶子离开了大树
不再制造幸福的氧气
不再一起度过下一个冬天

也许春天,花会开
但必须度过漫长的冬天
想着有叶子时的以前
赤裸裸的大树
在春天的来临前
哭了许多许多...

待续...
by 邓凯文
Wretch Addie 2011

Traumatic Life?

Trauma can be physical and psychological.
It is said as you grow up, you get more psychological trauma than physical ones.
In contrast, anyone would think that physical trauma hurts more than psychological ones.
But think again,
Pathologically, bruises, wounds and cuts are reversible.
Psychologically, it stays, as there is no 100% knowledge covered about the brain,
especially the limbic system that controls one's emotional state.
Sometimes, after a trauma, one would expect to raise their defense in future,
that's just common nature instinct.
But everyone's emotional threshold is different.
If weak, may develop into an acute stress disorder and further on to post-traumatic stress disorder, associated with flashbacks, nightmares and aggression.
It is just the body's own defense mechanism if the person can't handle the trauma,
either physically or psychologically.

Trauma can be temporary and permanent.
It is said as you progress in life, you get switches in both categories of trauma.
Some that comes and go,
Some that will be exclusively erased from memory,
Some that haunts you wherever you go.
But there's always something new to be pre-occupied with everyday.
Some trauma may be revitalising, some trauma may be disabling.
No matter it stays constantly or intermittently in a person's mind,
the main point is that it is still THERE.
Grow from it, learn from it, cope with it,
Because,
there are more trauma coming to get you,
why bother panicking over the ones that had already happened?
Better be emotionally prepared and try your best...

To be in best, for the life's test.

By Kevin Tang

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Light Drizzle

I am like a light drizzle.
A rain that does help a bit, but not a whole lot.
A rain that can be sometimes forgettable or sometimes memorable.
A rain that does not make any significance to the weather.
A rain that does not cause disaster neither in the extreme nor the least.
I'm just there...averagely.

People who does not flow with me takes an umbrella.
People who does not care will just walk away like any other day.
People who thinks about me would acknowledge me and might enjoy it...
but still trying to not get to soaked by me, who doesn't?

It does not matter,
I'll keep pouring...lightly.
Who knows someday I might earth out a few flowers or crops,
Who knows someday I might bedazzle everyone with rainbows,
With all that pouring,
I'm sure it would be absorbed somewhere...
Somewhere in the solid grounds,
I shall rest my rainy cloud over it,
and shower down with all my mightiest goodness of all.


Every time there's a light drizzle, I would look up,
...and let it drown my thoughts

END
Kaiwyn

Sunday, February 20, 2011

写一首歌来忘与记你

当我遇见你
当我靠近你
当时的心情
当时的我
与当时的你
不顾一切的
想拥有每一秒种的幸福

当爱情开始平静
当爱情不再是每秒的惊喜
当爱情变了习惯
当时的我
与当时的你
安静的
守候彼此的承诺

当恋情太安静了
当恋情不再有期待
当恋情换了姿态
当时的我
与当时的你
不同的挣扎
想找个出路

当单身开始了
当听说变了习惯
当祝福越来越诚实了
当时的我
和当时的你
唯一的连结是彼此爱过
不多也不少
暗藏在心的最低层

我要把每一段的美好与感伤
写成一首又一首的歌
这样
记了
忘了
也特别的美丽

每当我哼唱这些歌
虽然短短一首歌
每一个词都充满的不同的感受
就在这哼唱期间惦记了你
也在歌词的最后安慰了自己

完。。。吗?
凯文
Top(Hotkey:b)
Wretch Addie 2011