Truth beyond lies

Starting from the bottom of my heart,
most people at my age still tends to behave like a kid from time to time,
never in their naivety that they realise,
what could happen in reality,
so most of them follow the crowd,
most leaders would still have a period of time when they were followers,
until they achieve something great and was once far out of reach,
they followed the crowd and gather all the experience and knowledge.
I used the term 'most people' just to feel less guilty and to get on with it easier to be honest.

In this era, most people would acquire knowledge from tertiary studies
and worry about how to gain experience in the future.
But not all people are satisfied with just facing the books and computers,
some would be involved in work just to feel like living,
but some would involved in work actually for a living.
This could not be compared to theory, "Eat to live or live to eat"
Because you still have to eat to survive, it is a mandatory act,
but people who work just to feel like living does not compulsorily need to work.,
but who does not like some cash into their own wallet?
Men created currency to help make things function easier in the world,
but without knowing how people now cannot function without money,
causing different sorts of inequity issues.

A stable and healthy financial source is what everyone would hope for,
actually possibly to lie and die for to keep the source ongoing for most people,
at least that's what most people know growing up in a working parents' family,
Parents would come back home after work and de-stress with their beloved kids,
sometimes share their philosophy of work and how they wish their child would not have to work,
I remember when I was just a kid,
I always wanted to work to help out with family,
And always wondered why they are being so defensive about me earning some money,
when financially it does not make any sense.
Things started to clear up as I started working,
and funny how I wished to be still cared by my parents,
but life goes on and responsibilities keep adding up,
and with all the given duties in life,
it is crucial to maintain a stable financial source,
although I would hate to admit that I would need an inorganic material to survive,
but that is the truth.

Considering anyone in a tight spot of having to pay for their tuition fees, rent and living essentials,
Majority would have possibly lied to secure a job,
Ethically wrong, but there would not be any ethics to discuss when you're broke.
Sure there are agencies to help and money to loan but for some folks, it will be limited,
At least lying to keep a job in my opinion would not affect my work performance,
since internal affairs would not be reflecting work credibility, it is more on the social side.
But I do understand on the employer's side that trust is important too,
So whether the employee forge a clever and beautiful lie,
Or don't work at all since lying is still not advisable,
But honesty in reality is like a fragile bubble of air floating up to the sky,
You don't know when it will pop before it actually reach the stratosphere,
Would you be honest and tell your boss that you are working for their money?
Although it is obvious but not many employee would admit that in front of their employer/s.
Every employer would love to have employees that are sincere and honest,
but where do you cross the line before you look like you're kissing their ass,
and have the other employees go AWOL on you.

To the very least, in my experience,
I was dedicated to help and I have helped,
Maintaining a healthy relationship with the co-workers and boss/es,
Predominantly sincere and honest in all areas of work,
but using a lie to secure a financial source would be fatally bad for me,
like pulling off a nail where the picture hangs,
although public sees the artwork,
but once the nail has been pulled off, everything shatters.
What's left is a lesson learnt,
and try like hell to stand up tall again,
and not to use a 'lie' nail to hang up my working life,
unless you're a professional liar or life-threatening desperate,
but clear it up to your boss before they find out,
any empathetic being would understand and forgive,
but still be prepared for a sack if you're uncertain.

Lesson learnt:
Honesty is honesty, it's non-manipulative and definite,
lies in the other hand can be manipulated all the time.
Trust needs honesty and some non-manipulative lies.

By Kaiwyn

Withdrawal

Well *takes a deep breathe*
Sunlight shines through the semi-transparent glass into my room full of notes and unorganised apparels.
There I was lying on the same old bed,
Looking through my contacts in my phone,
dialed up to a few friends - "No answer"
I was about to take a quick nap just before I go hardcore on studies back.
As I was about to doze off with procrastination,
I decided to jolt up from my horizontal position,
Washed my used dishes,
Cooked dinner although it's only 410pm.
Came back into the gloomy sunny room,
suddenly felt a bit autumn-ish,
the yellowness of the light soothes me as well as it brought some melancholy,
I wonder why...

Memories slowly recollected into my mind,
although I thought it was full from all the studies that I had done,
the decision of withdrawing from last semester when I had gone through it,
the decision of withdrawing from my parent's financial care,
the decision of withdrawing from love and friendship,
slowly haunts me...
every decision that I had made so far...
probably not particularly for the whole 22 years,
if I have to think about what I had consciously withdrawn from for the first time in my life,
it is definitely the decision of withdrawing from eating vegetables as a child.
Like a puzzle joining into a picture,
What will fuse into with every withdrawal or addiction?
I froze for a bit
...
Doesn't it end up into a picture of me in future?

Kaiwyn Tang

Rainy Bakery

You were introduced into my life in the beginning of 2001.
I can still remember you were really easy to approach, not long after, we became good buddies.
When everyone did not support the decision of me being the class monitor,
you were among the few who supported me.
We were always competing against each other in studies,
especially in History, you were always the teacher's favorite student.
We changed classes after 2 years in Form 3, but we would still hang out during lunch times.
When I was feeling down,
all alone eating my spicy bowl of noodles in the canteen.
You would approach me and be concerned.
After a year, we then reassembled back into the same class for another 2 years.
Where we made a lot of memories together.
We went for camping with the Cahaya people,
Going to museums and planetarium,
Organising food and fun fair together,
Participating in dramas, public speaking and choir...
Just things ended so quickly...
So quickly that I can't even remember.
After going to our senior prom and Cahaya's, we then seldom meet after school.
Sometimes we accidentally meet in places,
When we do, we'll be chatting for ages.
The last time was February 2008.
To suddenly hear about the bad news, I was devastated.
I didn't knew it would affect me that bad.
At first, I was mad that I wasn't kept in the loop.
I've always treated you as one of my close buddies.
But... I respect your decision.
I did what I can do for now.
Is to hope you are happy wherever you are...
My dear friend...
Missing you...

Numbness

Morning approaches silently,
As people lay comfortably on their horizontal position,
Not aware that they need to leave that comfort zone soon.
Mostly insomniacs are already counting down the time their alarm will go off.
Looking at the ceiling,
Waiting for more light to seep through the cracks and openings of the room,
There,
What could be in people's mind?
Yesterday's hardship?
Today's challenge?
Or far beyond the unknown future?
Or rewind into their deepest past?
Isn't it funny how people always plan ahead,
But all they are willing to do at that period of time is craving to lay flat more,
Why not just enjoy the very last few moments of light sleep?
But how could you enjoy it if you are aware that you'll need to be awake soon?
At this stage, numbness occurs...
To me, numbness fits this scenario perfectly.
Where input and output are likely to be equal.
It is when you break the numbness,
You'll not hit the snooze button,
Wake up,
and overwhelm the numbness...
though it sometimes drags on,
but isn't life like that as an adult?
...
Have you got sick of life?
...
No one would admit that...
honestly...
at least not to another homo sapien

By Kaiwyn

风吹云散

好冷

风吹的时候

好冷

想念家里的大树

想念你那厚厚的包容

在异乡到处乱走散发的种子

冬天应该都不会发芽

突然发现其中一个

露出了明显的萌芽

就在那么寒冷的气候

初初不相信也不敢如何对待

不久后

虽然没有浇水或好好照顾的习惯

慢慢的长大

答应着许多未来的遐想

花开奉果的未来

当时的害怕与不安依然还在

但却开始稍微的照顾了这一个可能发芽的萌芽

才过了不久

成长渐渐变得太虚幻了

可是也没有枯萎的

依然一样的愣在那里

曾经的承诺一朵一朵的像花瓣落在空地里

风吹云散

那类似发芽的种子依然还在

偶尔走过的时候

浇了几滴稀少的泪

再往前继续走进未知的未来

待续 凯文

Wretch Addie 2011

Motivation

What is motivation?
Motivation is a special energy that keeps a person going,
Going through the obstacles in life and it goes in cycle,
Until a state of satisfaction is reached,
another challenge will soon launch itself and there the cycle starts again.
Procrastination is one of the manipulative factors to slows the process,
while motivation is the opposite.

What keeps you going?
For some people, it's fame and recognition from media and community,
Like for public figures.
Then what motivates the fans and paparazzi?
In this example, each party feeds of each other's energy to motivate themselves,
kind of like a symbiosis relationship.
 
For parents and guardians, it's their offspring or their dependents.
What about the dependents and the children?
Can symbiosis apply to this relationship?
For some situation, it may be applied, but sometimes, it's like a parasitic relationship.
No matter what, majority of children are dependent on their parents,
Maybe it's the child's innocence that motivates the parents to love and continue on through obstacles and challenges,
I am in no position in judging since I am still a child myself.

For doctors and lecturers, they are motivated to educate the younger generation of doctors-to-be their knowledge and experience.
But what motivates medical students to withhold the upcoming huge responsibility of human's health welfare?
Is there even room to let a failure teach them an important lesson?
When a person's life could be at stake?
Mankind are much more vulnerable during their diseased state.
Where do we find the motivation to face life and death all the time?
I guess clinicians slowly get used to it and would slowly become immune to it.
In the end, motivation could be just from a morning latte.
But medical students are far from this state, how can we learn more efficiently than just staring at boring manuscripts from the past?
This remains a mystery...maybe a motivation to initiate a change in medical education in future.

In conclusion, everyone, no matter who has responsibility over whoever,
Everyone needs motivation.
Have you ever give some to anyone?
Although sometimes it feels like just uttering a few expected phrases of words,
But it does fire up something deep within,
Even if it is a small flare,
it's still motivation...like fuel to continue on...
Carry on...

You can do it!
Kevin Tang

PMS II - Procrastinating Medical Studies II

Yet another procrastination entry...

if every time when I got sidetracked and collected a dime,

I would have raised a charity fund for the unfortunate ones.

So first of all, organisation!

Things to complete

1. Complete the counseling video task and reflective
2. Complete Aboriginal assignment task
3. Complete General Practice Log Book
4. Organisation of HES- Getting signature and proposal form done
5. Study for examinations + practice clinical skills
6. Enroll for Semester 2 2011

Study plan, study plan!!!

Be strong willed!

The Nothing Days

Days after days,
Minute after minute,
Time is passing us by silently,
you'll probably not aware of it during busy days,
but sometimes when you're aware of it, it somehow felt frozen.

Heart is beating,
Blood is circulating,
Cells are dividing,
But why do I feel so stationery?
Gazing upon the dead space,
acknowledging all the scientific physiologies happening around me,
To some extent, I know there's still lots to life that I'm not familiar with,
But everything just went behind my mind,
Occupied by an emptiness atmosphere,
Waiting for time to pass by, although I've been trying not to let it happen.
I then close my eyes,
trying not to give much of a thought,
Even though I knew it would be impossible,
but surprisingly nothing popped out in mind,
Nothing...
Just gradually, from being conscious of my breathing sounds,
Slowly as the negativity creeps in,
I gave myself a big stretch,
and continued my daily busy days,

awaiting for the next therapeutic nothing days...

By Kevin Tang

树与叶的故事

季节不停的变

而很少人会停留脚步

去注意当下大自然所带来的感触

为何人们只在秋天时才会注意叶子

而不在它们充满活力的绿色时观赏它们的魅力

而要等到叶子发黄死了

离开了树枝

离开了高度

回到了原地

才发现叶子的美

可能这是所谓的人性

要等到失去了，才会珍惜

要等到不见了，才发现生前的好

我

有时候

也不例外

有时候，我仿佛是一棵树

度过春夏秋冬

叶子发黄了就是发黄了

落地了，就是落地了

只能回想当初的美好

当初的幸福

当太阳的光线打到脸上

才发现

叶子离开了大树

不再制造幸福的氧气

不再一起度过下一个冬天

也许春天，花会开

但必须度过漫长的冬天

想着有叶子时的以前

赤裸裸的大树

在春天的来临前

哭了许多许多...

待续...

by 邓凯文

Wretch Addie 2011

Traumatic Life?

Trauma can be physical and psychological.
It is said as you grow up, you get more psychological trauma than physical ones.
In contrast, anyone would think that physical trauma hurts more than psychological ones.
But think again,
Pathologically, bruises, wounds and cuts are reversible.
Psychologically, it stays, as there is no 100% knowledge covered about the brain,
especially the limbic system that controls one's emotional state.
Sometimes, after a trauma, one would expect to raise their defense in future,
that's just common nature instinct.
But everyone's emotional threshold is different.
If weak, may develop into an acute stress disorder and further on to post-traumatic stress disorder, associated with flashbacks, nightmares and aggression.
It is just the body's own defense mechanism if the person can't handle the trauma,
either physically or psychologically.

Trauma can be temporary and permanent.
It is said as you progress in life, you get switches in both categories of trauma.
Some that comes and go,
Some that will be exclusively erased from memory,
Some that haunts you wherever you go.
But there's always something new to be pre-occupied with everyday.
Some trauma may be revitalising, some trauma may be disabling.
No matter it stays constantly or intermittently in a person's mind,
the main point is that it is still THERE.
Grow from it, learn from it, cope with it,
Because,
there are more trauma coming to get you,
why bother panicking over the ones that had already happened?
Better be emotionally prepared and try your best...

To be in best, for the life's test.

By Kevin Tang

Light Drizzle

I am like a light drizzle.

A rain that does help a bit, but not a whole lot.

A rain that can be sometimes forgettable or sometimes memorable.

A rain that does not make any significance to the weather.

A rain that does not cause disaster neither in the extreme nor the least.

I'm just there...averagely.

People who does not flow with me takes an umbrella.

People who does not care will just walk away like any other day.

People who thinks about me would acknowledge me and might enjoy it...

but still trying to not get to soaked by me, who doesn't?

It does not matter,

I'll keep pouring...lightly.

Who knows someday I might earth out a few flowers or crops,

Who knows someday I might bedazzle everyone with rainbows,

With all that pouring,

I'm sure it would be absorbed somewhere...

Somewhere in the solid grounds,

I shall rest my rainy cloud over it,

and shower down with all my mightiest goodness of all.

Every time there's a light drizzle, I would look up,

...and let it drown my thoughts

END

Kaiwyn

写一首歌来忘与记你

当我遇见你

当我靠近你

当时的心情

当时的我

与当时的你

不顾一切的

想拥有每一秒种的幸福

当爱情开始平静

当爱情不再是每秒的惊喜

当爱情变了习惯

当时的我

与当时的你

安静的

守候彼此的承诺

当恋情太安静了

当恋情不再有期待

当恋情换了姿态

当时的我

与当时的你

不同的挣扎

想找个出路

当单身开始了

当听说变了习惯

当祝福越来越诚实了

当时的我

和当时的你

唯一的连结是彼此爱过

不多也不少

暗藏在心的最低层

我要把每一段的美好与感伤

写成一首又一首的歌

这样

记了

忘了

也特别的美丽

每当我哼唱这些歌

虽然短短一首歌

每一个词都充满的不同的感受

就在这哼唱期间惦记了你

也在歌词的最后安慰了自己

完。。。吗？

凯文

Wretch Addie 2011

M.E.D.I

After examinations

PREMIERE AT University of Newcastle

HB15

10:00am

18/11/10

Director/ editor: Kevin, Ann, Ju

Actor/actresses: Hajer, Anis, Ju, Ann, Kevin, Akma

Script: Kevin, Ann

WARNING!

Operation successful!

=)

The Orange that Tasted Like Lemon

Sweetness of an orange,

Slight sourness of a lemon,

Although we have specific taste buds on our tongue,

We still can't distinguish it fully,

Just like our minds in deciding what's good,

what's bad...

Though,

our facial expression would expressed,

just like how our body react to what we may not know,

it's just a natural reflex,

hidden deep somewhere in the limbic system...

I guess.

The sweetness of an orange,

the partial sourness of a lemon comes with it sometimes,

that infinitesimal low pH taste still overrides the sweetness.

Just like how a bad deed is amplified over the goods that you've done so far.

Funny but that's reality

But sometimes,

when you caught a cold,

you lost that special sensory,

that distinguish such detailed information on your tongue.

Everything is back to basics,

just getting enough nutrition for life,

not judging or analysing what's good or bad,

just like our minds,

when immunity is down,

everything is back to basic physiology of trying to survive,

survive the everyday life.

I'm not saying that I like to be sick,

but sickness is the chance to prove others about your true inner self,

not being evaluated, judged, or analysed,

things can be so simple,

back to the innocent days of childhood,

where everyone's a gift from heaven,

waiting for time to cycle through...

I swear I was still like that three years ago (2007)...

still can be,

no?

Blissfulness

Addie

(1 more exam to go...)

Summer Scent Rain

Addressed to: Myself in future's time...

Woke up in the morning thinking it was late already...

But when I looked into my phone --> 6.23 a.m > WTF?

I swear I slept really well,

coz' I didn't use my favourite blanket to sleep,

so I felt good for achieving deep sleep stage!

Then I went out to kitchen,

read the shopping catalogues for like 30 minutes 0.o

then had an Indian breakfast

and prep up for university...

So freakin' hot and at the moment,

I wished it would rain later when I am coming back.

At that moment,

I really feel like getting rained on...for some weird reasons,

just wash me away from the haunting of the past...

Walking to university,

lots of thoughts came into my head while I was listening to a medley.

Being by the beach,

Giving you a piggyback ride,

And filming it would suit perfectly with this medley...I smiled.

At university, everything went accordingly.

Even met my uni juniors and friends who were having exams,

Kinda wish them good luck,

and they wished me too,

although I was honest and told them I wasn't prepared,

but they assumed I was joking and told me I'll do fine.

Reassuring?

Not a bit...

Walking to the library to retrieve some books to prepare,

Wow, my course-mates were there,

Holding their heads while looking through their notes,

Periculum to the max!

But I understand, I would've done that to if I can,

but I just need to focus...

Was about to go home,

All in my mind was hopefully study,

Then saw my friend came walking towards me,

She wanted to get some chips, so I just tagged along.

Chatted for a while, didn't knew that she was experiencing the same things,

Felt relieved and convinced that I wasn't a nutcase after all.

Slowly, we walk back, diverging halfway to our respective destinations - Home.

Carrying 3 books in my hand,

With sunglasses on my head,

I looked up the cloudy sky,

Thinking about the wish I made before,

I felt it comforting...as fine droplets of water feathered down from the sky.

The smell of rain and the feeling of summer...

Soothing but yet somewhat melancholic.

An old man with a stick walked out from his crib,

Reaching for the letterbox like it was important.

The round mark on his head,

gave me a glimpse of a craniectomy.

That moment, I felt I was substantial...to a certain degree.

All I have to do now is try my best,

As when I develop with age,

I could tell myself,

that I've done my best...

Don't blame the 21 year old self...

Everyone's in the rain sometimes,

don't let it soak up your emotion,

take it in and grow,

just like plants...

Grow...

Addie

Periculum

What am I doing?

What was I like before doing this?

Why am I doing this?

Can I continue like this?

Why am I doing this to myself?

These questions were raised because of the periculum inside of me.

I have no idea why every time when I met something challenging,

I would try like hell to procrastinate,

sometimes,

I do not even have to try to do that, it just happens naturally.

If there was a major of procrastination,

I would excel in it.

Is this a sign from my deepest inner side?

Or,

Is this just a habit brought from young?

Periculum...

продолжение следует

Fear

Fear is an emotional response to a perceived threat or harm.

Everyone has a specific stimulus to trigger fear and anxiety attacks.

The amygdala is responsible for the pathophysiology of fear,

wahaha medical student syndrome...

What's mine? Hmm...

I think I might be fearless hahaha

Go on, grill me all you want, I might be scared of something...

I am a human being after all...

SIGH~

No...I wished I wasn't hahaha

Computer: What animal do you fear the most?

Umm, those that can gobble me up...

Computer: What activity do you fear the most?

Diving in a dark cold deep sea...

Computer: What people do you fear the most?

Murderers

Computer: What do you fear the most emotionally?

When mistakes are irreversible...

Computer: What was your biggest fear you had ever experienced?

Dealing with the Ouija board and the night after that

Computer: Do you still fear your fears?

......I

.......can't...?

To be continued...

Au Revoir

Goodbye to the innocence,

Goodbye to the simplicity,

Goodbye to the naivety,

Goodbye to the purity,

Goodbye to the sincerity,

Goodbye to the insanity,

All was forced out as the hand of the clock moves on,

What's next?

Goodbye to the happy family,

Goodbye to the wonderful school life,

Goodbye to the puppy first love,

Goodbye to the flexible gymnast,

Goodbye to the nerdy geek,

Goodbye to the quiet kid,

Goodbye to the acne and zits,

How do I grief when there's so much things to bid farewell to?

Well, actually, underneath all that,

These are still within me,

And using it to build a better life

Ahead.

So,

Au Revoir,

Goodbye to You...

Although I'm no good in goodbyes, but I'll bare with it.

Isn't that what everyone's going through?

P.S Wishing myself all the best in exams

Addie

敢问敢答

一个阴天的早晨，

天空仿佛在隐藏些什么，

我突然郁闷了起来，

想起许多回忆和遗憾。

你突然问了起来，

“你曾经有过怎样的爱？”

我惊了一下。。。

呼吸放慢了就说了。。。

“我的初恋，

我还记得她是如此的忧郁，

她的一举一动都让我慌，让我紧张。

只是我不知道，原来她也感觉一样。

在那么不安的情绪下，

慢慢恢复朋友的状态。”

你的眼神充满的好奇与少许的悲伤，

好像我也勾起了你初恋的回忆。。。

而看着我发着呆的你，

慢慢点了头，

暗示我继续说我的爱情故事。

“一年过后，

不再想那么多，

想爱就去爱吧，

我对自己说。  

保持少年的爱态，

结果被嫌太孩子气了，

决定放下了。”

你突然躺下我旁边，

继续听我的述说，

当时我就了解了你的举动，

继续说下去。

“不敢再不顾一切去爱的我，

跌跌撞撞就遇见了他，

和他一起感觉好像我少年时候的模样，

那么的强烈那么的单纯。。。”

你突然把我的嘴，

用你温暖的手，

遮上了。。。

你很不自在的问了一句。。。

“那， 你为什么。。。会喜欢上我？”

你的眼神是如此的严格

但同时也感觉很脆弱，

我把你的手拉进了我的怀里，

我就知道我的答案也必须发自内心地说。。。

“你听好了，

我不曾聊起我的过往，

只有你那么愿意聆听我的过去，

我知道你会感到不安，

会以为我还对他们念念不忘，

所以通常我都不会说出来。。。”

你手里的温度在我怀里突然变得好温，

而你收回了它，

和另外的一个手玩了起来。。。

“那你为什么要对我说呀？

怎么也不把它藏起来？”

我再次把你的手握了起来。。。

用我的手指头在你手掌上边说边描写了那三个字。。。

  “因为 我相信。。。

你爱我。。。

而。。。

我也爱你。。。“ 

by 凯文

Wretch Addie 2010

Counting the Days

Another week to go before November,

a month of examinations and to finish everything,

before the holiday month of December...

24th Oct to 17th Nov

Finishing all assignments...and

Pretty much cramming and doing the examinations

18th Nov

Ethics video presentation!

Premiere of "M.E.D.I"

19th Nov to 3oth Nov

Packing and looking for a new home

1st Dec

Let the holidays peak!!!

Why am I still procrastinating my assignments and studies??

It really sucks to have the will to do it, but the mind doesn't go with it...

Must start immediately!!!

~Wish me luck~